I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO ANY MUSIC
I think I’m scared of being thrown away. I’m not sure where the feeling came from, but it’s the feeling that causes me to self-sabotage things that may be good for me because I fear being thrown away from a lack of value.
I’ve always prided myself on being someone that was unforgettable, but in me doing that now I’ve gained unhealthy attachments to people I should’ve been let go of. Do you know how they say if it’s love then it’ll come back to you? Well in my case it’s like I mentally tell myself that, but I attach a leash onto the person and the further they stray away from me the more my hands hurt from holding onto them hoping they don’t leave me forever.
I’m comfortable being alone, but only when it’s self-inflicted by me, not when it’s imposed on me by outside sources. I know it’s an ego problem that I’m dealing with. At times my ego makes me feel as if I’m on top of the world and everyone should be grateful for someone like me to be in their lives, but am I only being so “great” with hopes of gaining their love only to leave when I feel I no longer need it?
I don’t like the feeling of feeling that I use people like rag towels at times. They’re amazing when I first use them, but as I keep using them, they get dirty, and the dirtier they get the more my urge to grab a new towel comes upon me. Eventually, I’ll just throw the towel to the side and grab a new one, but the process will only keep repeating… When will I learn to appreciate value?
Maybe I should value myself higher, could that solve my problem? The problem with ego is that when you detach from the status it tells you you’re at, life seems to be different. You no longer have someone to live up to, not even yourself. Does ego stem from living in the future? It seems like my past has haunted me for so long, now I’m having problems with how I see my future… Maybe all of this will be of no more once I decide to let go and just live life in the present.
I find myself stuck down these types of rabbit holes when my mind goes from being stuck in the past or being stuck in my future. It’s so easy to see all the problems we have when we’re looking back or looking too far forward. Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” The present is the only place we can make a true change in our life. My struggle of today is making sure I don’t make the same mistakes as yesterday. Each day is a versus, me of today versus me of yesterday. That is the best way to see a change in your life, not by looking too far forward or behind. Stay present and aware of your life decisions, and most importantly let go of old baggage.