I DO NOT OWN ANY RIGHTS TO THE MUSIC
I feel like the characters in coco with how when people forget you then you disappear.
It’s like I need attention to keep me alive. I need to feel important, I have to feel like my presence is there, but will also be missed if it’s gone. Maybe its manipulation, but I just want to feel as if I have importance in people’s lives…
Maybe its because I don’t feel important myself always. Maybe I just want to be seen, but why would I want that when I don’t even like looking people in their eyes with the fear of them seeing the “real” me.
Life always seems to contradict me. Its like I understand all my losses and what they mean and how I’m affected by them, but I still choose the opposite. I know I should write more because its a gift I’m very talented in and I don’t. I know I’m a good graphic designer, but I haven’t really tried to learn more about the craft to be a better designer myself. I keep running from the process that will give me the results I’m looking for.
I hate that I realize a lot of my problems come from expectations I put on life, but then again I feel if I put no expectations on life then I will live in disappointment as I currently do.
When I just accept what life brings me and then I see what I feel is for me, its like once I finally give it my energy the world falls apart and make me feel like my decision was the worst. I can’t seem to take a dub when it comes to my emotions.
Everything is a temporary high, women, weed, alcohol, sex, happiness… I need that drug that sticks. I see why people go from small drugs to something so strong, they were looking for a high and with each new height they craved more.
Thats me, but with happiness in life. I try so much to relax and just be of the world so that I can relax my mind, but it always seem to stay rolling at 100mph and I sit around feeling like a failure.
I feel as if life is my teacher and I’m just sitting around hoping for an A on a test. With every exam I take its like I keep making a 69. I did good, but not good enough to fully reap the benefits of passing.
What is passing though? Is passing just me settling? When do I begin to receive the emotions and care I put out into the world? Why can’t I ever be able to feel how I make others feel?
Maybe I’ve been changing for each woman I’ve dated and I never will know who I am.
I just want to be alone for so long so I can just figure everything out and then come back to the world and try again. I don’t have a second life to live though so I have to make the most out of this one.
I feel like I’m just too deep in my head, and my emotions of how I perceive everything makes it no better. I just want happiness, whatever the fuck that is….